Welcome to the Land of Pointless and Destructive

hatebot @ 2009-11-29T19:27:00

2009-11-30T02:27:18Z

This journal has become wank. Total and absolute wank. ihvpave, I wouldn't mock you for your opinions or insight. I suppose it's a failing on my part that my friends think I would do that. I'm sorry.

So. On with the wank.

I've spent the past year with control games that played exclusively on my abandonment issues. Have I then spent months on end in a bitter, self-destructive cycle of dependency? Yes. I have. Self-Awareness is a curse if one cannot learn from it. Here's to breaking from that.

There's a fantastically gorgeous trans-gendered person I'm very attracted to and very much interested in. Due to poor timing things did not work out a few months back as I would have liked them to have worked out now.
Now that I am available I find myself in similar immature games that I absolutely refuse to participate in.
A bit early for a resolution, but let's give it a shot, shall we?

No more shall I look to attractive people for validation.
No more shall I be someones option while they are my priority.
I will learn to be comfortable with myself.
I will try to keep an open mind and try to meet new people without the prompting of others.

hatebot @ 2009-10-17T19:46:00

2009-10-18T01:54:39Z

So I guess I need to go to school.
I don't want to, and I'll be damned if I know what I want to go for, but apparently that's how ambition and success is measured.
And those are the important things, right?
Of course they are.

I can't just be me, I can't just exist. I need to strive towards something that makes me "better" (whatever the hell that means), and thus more attractive or desirable.

I don't have a special talent or skill. I can't say "Hey, I'm awesome at wood working" and make a living at that.

I don't want to feel worthless based on other peoples ideas of success, but here I am, doing just that.

FUCK.

I hate the implications. I hate that people keep telling me I should do things that they use as an example for self improvement and therefore a better person. What's wrong with me just being myself? Why can't any of you just say "Hey Jack, you're all right. You're ok the way you are."? Why do I need to improve myself for any of you?

Why do I care...

hatebot @ 2009-09-08T23:10:00

2009-09-09T05:11:56Z

So someone stole my car last night/this morning.

Cops found it a few hours later.

Of course they grounded out the electrical system.
Of course I had to get the thing towed to a shop at $85/$3.50 per mile rates.
Of course this coincides with the weekend I decide to buy a couch.

hatebot @ 2009-09-03T13:12:00

2009-09-03T19:19:22Z

Haven't posted in a while, needless to say juggling a boyfriend and a girlfriend is kinda hard...

With that being said, I'm pissed.

Recently found out I have bed bugs. Or had. I took care of it best I could and so far haven't had another outbreak. This could all change.

My girlfriends roommate found out HE had bed bugs(hello, Patient Zero). A month ago. His solution? Start sleeping on the couch in the living room and lock up his room. With all of his clothes still in there. Now, I don't know how familiar you folks are about bed bugs, but that shit don't work. They hibernate.

So, meanwhile, I bug bomb the shit out of my place, do a massive cleaning involving washing all of my clothes and vacuuming the shit out of my place. Problem solved on my end.

Now, as far as the girlfriends roommate was concerned, he just washed some bare necessities and sprayed rubbing alcohol on everything. Threw his mattress out. Tell you what, son, this has obviously not addressed the main issue, to wit, you being a lazy ass.

She just found a bed bug in her purse. Over at her place.

I'm frickin' pissed. Dudes like, 26, maybe 27...You have a problem that everyone around you is saying is super serious and your solution is a barely functional quarentine and rubbing alcohol...

The chances of my infestation has just increased and I am not pleased.

hatebot @ 2009-08-03T18:15:00

2009-08-04T00:25:00Z

You tell me I can't slow down
you tell where I gotta be
I spin into the darkness
but I swear that I can't see a thing in front of me
You know its true
I'm not driving anymore,
I can't keep up with you.

You're closing in behind me
Well I've got headlight in my eyes,
Don't you get too close to me
Can't you see that we'll collide,
and end up casualties
there's just no room
I'm not driving anymore,
I can't keep with you

So leave me on my own,
Run me down and race away from me
I've got nowhere to go to,
And I don't think I can get back on my feet,
back on my feet

You came right out of nowhere
Eyes wide and terrified,
and I can't put my brakes on,
And I can't swerve to save your life
cause then I'll lose control,
and I can't choose
I'm not driving anymore
I can't keep up with you

So leave me on my own
Run me down and race away from me
I've got no where to go to
I don't think I can get back on my feet,
back on my feet.

Get me out of harm's way,
Can't you see I'm paralyzed,
I wanna fade out gracefuly,
but you keep keeping me alive
to face another day,
can't you see I'm through
I'm not driving anymore,
I can't keep up with you.
Can't keep up with you

Tell me how long have I got, God
I wanna end this earthly toil
Till this pilot-light expires
I wanna go swimming in the soil
and not come up for breath
sit in God's room
I'm not driving anymore,
I can't keep up with you.

I'm unfit for consumption
I don't know how to play my part,
I swear I'm all alone in this thing,
I'm a blind man driving in my car,
into oblivion
let it come soon.
I'm not driving anymore,
I can't keep up with you.

hatebot @ 2009-07-27T18:42:00

2009-07-28T00:53:28Z

Filled out my in processing paperwork for my alcohol classes.
Which, reading through my course book, really isn't an educational thing at all.

It's a heavy handed behavior-modification course.

I'll sit there and listen. I'll give them their god-damned money. However, they best not be under the presumption that they'll alter my behavior or thought process with such a blunt and shallow tool. I will help myself if and when I choose, and if and when I decide I need to change.

Of course such thinking like this is really my anti-authorative streak run rampant with the impression that this is some Orwellian thought control exercise.

I recognize what they're doing and it galls me. Further note of irritation and offense was the mini bio they made me fill out. It's none of their fuckin' business what my sexual orientation is, nor who my sexual partners are at the time and how many there are. Granted, under normal circumstances I'd probably have no problem divulging that. The intrusive and private nature of those questions pissed me right the hell off.

I couldn't resist having a little fun with it though. Such gems as "Describe Your Childhood" were filled out with my typical flair of smart-assery with answers like "I went to school mostly. Had summers off."

I want out of this. Now.

hatebot @ 2009-07-24T19:37:00

2009-07-25T01:38:21Z

Uhm, what?
I'm fairly opposed to the poppy nature of this tune, but god-DAMN, he looks good.
Also, American Psycho.

In Which I Rant About MADD

2009-07-23T03:11:12Z

Long post is loooong, but some interesting tidbits.
Too lazy for a cut.

Candy Lightner's departure

With the passage of time, MADD decided to eliminate all driving after drinking any amount of alcoholic beverage. Ms. Lightner disagreed with this focus and asserted that “police ought to be concentrating their resources on arresting drunk drivers—not those drivers who happen to have been drinking. I worry that the movement I helped create has lost direction.”

Ms. Lightner left MADD in 1985 and disagrees with its change in goals. MADD's founder, Candy Lightner, left the organization in 1985 and has since gone on to criticize the group as "neo-prohibitionist." Lightner stated that MADD "has become far more neo-prohibitionist than I had ever wanted or envisioned … I didn’t start MADD to deal with alcohol. I started MADD to deal with the issue of drunk driving".

Under-21 drinking

Retired sociologist David J. Hanson questions the effectiveness and relevance of MADD's insistence that minors should not drink alcohol. Hanson argues such policies possibly encourage underage and reckless drinking, since current public policy produces a supervision paradox where it can be difficult to assist and educate younger people in making responsible judgments about alcohol consumption; he compares the behavior of American youth to their European counterparts, who live in a society with "more liberal" consumption laws. Also, he believes that it encourages some younger people to drink, to show their contempt for a law they feel is unjust, since in most other countries, 18-year olds, and even younger people, can consume alcohol legally, and that it would be safer to have them drinking legally in supervised environments.

According to Hanson, "research on the drinking age has not been able to verify a cause-and-effect relationship between the law and alcohol use or abuse." Hanson further notes, "Many studies show no relationship between the two variables while others report that some alcohol-related fatalities have shifted from the 18-20 age group to the 21-24 age group. When it comes to the effects of the drinking age, the most we can say is that the jury is still out."

Civil liberty aspects

Radley Balko, a libertarian writer, talks about the possible social implications of some of MADD's policies. He writes, "In its eight-point plan to 'jump-start the stalled war on drunk driving,' MADD advocates the use of highly publicized but random roadblocks to find drivers who have been drinking. Even setting aside the civil liberties implications, these checkpoints do little to get dangerous drunks off the road. Rather, they instill fear in people who have a glass of wine with dinner, a beer at a ballgame or a toast at a retirement party."

Efficacy of MADD's proposals

Breath alcohol ignition interlock devices

Additionally MADD has proposed that breath alcohol ignition interlock devices should be installed in all new cars. Tom Incantalupo wrote "Ultimately, the group said yesterday, it wants so-called alcohol interlock devices factory-installed in all new cars. "The main reason why people continue to drive drunk today is because they can," MADD president Glynn Birch said at a news teleconference yesterday from Washington, D.C."

Sarah Longwell, a spokeswoman for the American Beverage Institute responded to MADD's desire to legislate breathalyzers into every vehicle in America by stating "This interlock campaign is not about eliminating drunk driving, it is about eliminating all moderate drinking prior to driving. The 40 million Americans who drink and drive responsibly should be outraged." She also points out that "Many states have laws that set the presumptive level of intoxication at .05% and you can't adjust your interlock depending on which state you're driving in. Moreover, once you factor in liability issues and sharing vehicles with underage drivers you have pushed the preset limit down to about .02%.

It will be a de facto zero tolerance policy."

Some point out that the policy assumes that citizens are guilty of drunkenness and requires them to prove themselves innocent not only before they drive but repeatedly while they drive. [3]

A serious concern is that the devices might actually increase crashes. The "California Department of Motor Vehicle’s “An Evaluation of the Effectiveness of Ignition Interlock in California” concluded that the devices “are not effective in reducing DUI convictions or incidents [after being imposed] for first-time DUI offenders.” (The study did show, however, that the risk of crashing was higher for offenders with a lock installed—perhaps because they were being asked to conduct breath tests while driving.) If the locks have no effect when imposed after a first DUI conviction—which presumably selects for the most likely drunk drivers—what is the chance that they will have an effect if foisted upon millions of people who simply want a new car?"

Victim impact panels

MADD promotes the use of victim impact panels (VIPs), in which judges require DWI offenders to hear victims or relatives of victims of drunk driving crashes relate their stories. MADD received $3,749,000 in 2004 from VIP fees. Some states in the United States, such as Massachusetts, permit victims of all crimes, including drunk driving accidents, to give "victim impact statements" prior to sentencing so that judges and prosecutors can consider the impact on victims in deciding on an appropriate sentence to recommend or impose. The presentations are often emotional, detailed, and graphic, and focus on the tragic negative consequences of DWI and alcohol-related crashes. According to the John Howard Society, some studies have shown that permitting victims to make statements and to give testimony is psychologically beneficial to them and aids in their recovery and in their satisfaction with the criminal justice system.

However, a New Mexico study suggested that the VIPs' confrontational approaches are ineffective in the treatment of alcohol problems, and that the use of VIPs actually increased DWI recidivism in that state.

MADD's mission

MADD has shifted in emphasis from preventing DUI deaths and injuries to preventing underage alcohol use, and that this is undermining the organization's original goal, because MADD's leadership has stated that it's more important to stop drinking than it is to stop drunk driving fatalities. For example, the president of MADD, Glynn Byrch, wrote in a letter to the editor of the Washington Post:

Taking away a teenager's car keys and replacing them with a beer may prevent death and injury on the road, but it sends a dangerous message to teenagers that it's okay to break the law.

In 2005, John McCardell, Jr. wrote in The New York Times that "the 21-year-old drinking age is bad social policy and terrible law" that has made the college drinking problem far worse.

Many who are otherwise sympathetic to MADD's cause feel the organization has gone too far. Balko argued in a December 2002 article that MADD's policies are becoming overbearing. "In fairness, MADD deserves credit for raising awareness of the dangers of driving while intoxicated. It was almost certainly MADD's dogged efforts to spark public debate that effected the drop in fatalities since 1980, when Candy Lightner founded the group after her daughter was killed by a drunk driver," Balko wrote. "But MADD is at heart a bureaucracy, a big one. It boasts an annual budget of $45 million, $12 million of which pays for salaries, pensions and benefits. Bureaucracies don't change easily, even when the problems they were created to address change."

Blood alcohol content

MADD's critics point out that the organization is focused entirely upon the presence of alcohol in the body, rather than upon the actual danger posed by any impairment. The original drunk driving laws addressed the danger by making it a criminal offense to drive a vehicle while impaired — that is, while "under the influence of alcohol"; the amount of alcohol in the body was simply evidence of that impairment.

With MADD's significant influence, however, all 50 states have now passed laws making it a criminal offense to drive with a designated level of alcohol, regardless of whether the driver is impaired or not. MADD then successfully lobbied to lower that original level of .10% down to .08%, and are actively working to lower it even further.

Conflict of interest criticism

Balko criticizes MADD for not demanding higher excise taxes on the distilled spirits industry, even as it demands beer producers pay higher excise taxes. "Interestingly," Balko writes, "MADD refrains from calling for an added tax on distilled spirits, an industry that the organization has partnered with on various drunk driving awareness projects. And MADD has made no secret of its desire to lower the legal blood- alcohol level from the current .08 in most places to .06, .04 or even to zero. This despite studies showing that most alcohol-caused traffic fatalities involved drivers with a level of 0.14 or higher."

High fundraising costs - The MADD money machine

In 1994, Money magazine reported that telemarketers raised over $38 million for MADD, keeping nearly half of it in fees. This relationship no longer exists. Overall, MADD reports that it spends 17% of its budget on fundraising, which is below average for an advocacy organization that is heavily dependent on many individual contributions. However, the American Institute of Philanthropy notes that MADD categorizes much of its fundraising expenses as "educational expenses." The American Institute of Philanthropy has given MADD poor grades for its high bureaucratic and fundraising costs (MADD Money. Investigative report, K5 News, Seattle, WA.).

Charity Navigator rates MADD as needing improvement.

In December 2006 in Canada, the Toronto Star reported that "Mothers Against Drunk Driving Canada has such high costs that only about 19 cents of every dollar goes to victim services and the fight against drunk driving", with the organization claiming their fundraising calls were also educating the public about drunk driving. As of December 13 2006, MADD Canada has suspended fundraising efforts pending an internal financial investigation

MADD's opinion of opponents of sobriety checkpoints:

MADD writes that “opponents of sobriety checkpoints tend to be those who drink and drive frequently and are concerned about being caught”. This is a rewording of the classicaly illogical "if you are not doing anything wrong you have noting to fear from our violating your rights" argument

Checkpoints are unconstitutional.

hatebot @ 2009-07-20T14:43:00

2009-07-20T20:43:43Z

I realize only a select few of you will get this.

Work Rant

2009-07-19T23:55:54Z

Ok everybody, listen up: Your banks "Bill Pay" option fucking sucks.
It is not an automatic payment. In fact, it takes a few days for it to actually get out and to the places it needs to.

Yes, I realize you sent a payment. However, sending a payment and us actually receiving said payment are two seperate entities. No, I'm not calling you a liar. What I'm calling you is fucking retarded. Two different animals there. Do you honestly believe that the US Postal Services is the most trusted organization in the world? 'cause it's not. At least with La Cosa Nostra you can depend on your knees being broken.

Parents: Stop fucking around on the phone. If I call your house looking for your son/daughter, do not refuse to put them on the phone because I won't tell you what company I'm calling from. It's not helping them. In fact, it's probably going to cost them a 30 day late notice against their credit and a $25 late fee. Because some asshole had to get in their business. By the way, the "If you can't tell me who you're with then stop calling my home" schtick doesn't work. Ever. It's a gaurentee that we'll call back in ten minutes. And no, trying to collect on a debt is not harassment. I don't know what outdated copy of Readers Digest you picked up that little nugget from, but it simply is not true. Federal Debt Collections Policy Act. Read it, mother fuckers.

Parents Addendum: Stop having your small child answer the phone and tell me that you aren't home. Between the ages of 5 - 20 your child will more than likely be a terrible liar.

Mexicans: Are you ever home?

All other account holders: You didn't make a payment. If I ask you to verify your address, it means just that. VERIFY. I did not say we don't have your address. VERIFY. Fuck. What about that word do you not understand? Seriously? You just gave me your routing number and your bank account info. What other damage could I possibly do with your address that I can't do with your routing number and bank account number? Prank you and order a ton of pizzas to your house? Tempting as that may be for some of you cunts, that would more than likely cost me my job. So fork it over and stop dicking around.

A MINIMUM DUE is just that. The BARE MINIMUM to get you out of collections. Just paying the past due will not help you. Why, you say? Because you'll totally forget that you owe us a late fee and this billing cycles payment. Which will incur another late fee.

The elderly: Fuck you.

hatebot @ 2009-07-19T17:31:00

2009-07-19T23:34:01Z

Things I did today:
Fixed the derailleur
Laundry
Nursed hangover

I have a craving for chicken wings.
I really have no idea if I'm going to go out tonight (woo, new work sched with TWO DAYS OFF IN A ROW) or just sit around in my undies, watching Torchwood and getting shit faced.

On the one hand, its getting shit faced in my undies. On the other hand, it's standing around a club tossing between horrendously irritable and bored to faintly amused and irritable.

hatebot @ 2009-07-18T15:19:00

2009-07-18T21:24:07Z

Things I should be doing but I'm not:
Laundry
Working out my derailleur problem
Cleaning
Shaving

But I'm not. Because I made 9 Pay By Phones per hour at work today. I kick ass.
I stumbled across a nifty little trick. Mention "to protect you from a 30 day late notice against your credit score" and all of a sudden people are scrabbling for their check books.
Suckers.
So I'm just kinda chillin' out after a stressful work day.

I've been biking a ton lately. Picked up a maintenance manual. Next purchase should be tools, but honestly I do need some new boots. Hmm. Shiny metric socket set or boots...Oh, and a hair trim. Dammit.

hatebot @ 2009-07-12T00:49:00

2009-07-12T06:49:50Z

Going from victorious to morose in 60 seconds. Wooo.

hatebot @ 2009-07-11T19:14:00

2009-07-12T01:17:47Z

"I was vulnerable..." Is never an excuse to cheat on your significant other. Ever. You knew full well what you were doing. That excuse is as thin as cheesecloth when taken into account that it was you, Kat, who invited me over to fuck.

In the ever on going soap opera that is my interaction with that woman, I proved a point, hurt her, and got laid all at the same time last night.

She cheated on her new beau with me.

Damn I feel good.

hatebot @ 2009-07-09T20:16:00

2009-07-10T02:26:04Z

It's all relative.
I look at my fingers holding the cigarette. The ash is longer than it should be. I've sat here for twenty minutes ruminating and thinking of myriad possibilities. My drink is half gone. A twitch of my thumb and that which could be(is, was, always will be)disappear with a flick of spark and ash on the wind. Each spark is what could have. Each ash is what was. Each current is what will.
The song just ended.
There is much to do.

Adventures in Transit

2009-07-09T14:35:06Z

I took the bus yesterday, for the first time. For $2 I can get to work in an hour. I'm sure I can cut that time by a bit if I ride part way, which I intend to do after I figure out how to adjust my derailer properly. However, the return trip cost me $3.50 and I didn't get home until 11:45pm. This presents a problem as I get off of work at 9:30pm.

I submitted a schedule change, and I'm sure that it will be approved, but until then I'm taking my car to work on my days I have to be there at 6am. I'm going to have to risk it.

In other news, this summer kind of sucks. My entertainment options are limited. Severly. Sitting around in front of the computer seems to be it. I can't imagine hopping a bus to a club so I can watch my ex suck face with her latest and then leave ten minutes later.

hatebot @ 2009-07-06T17:00:00

2009-07-06T23:04:53Z

I don't think I can be friends with her.

I can't do it.
Too much of my emotion is wrapped up in the short time we were together.

I don't go to the clubs to specifically avoid her.
I told her to stop texting me.

I have nothing to offer any one.
I feel increasingly worthless.

I wish I could be good at something.
This sucks.

hatebot @ 2009-07-03T18:21:00

2009-07-04T00:25:10Z

Apparently I'm the last Monster Magnet fan on the planet.

Fireing my friend
But I come back again and again
I just can't pretend
One more step and I'll start to bend

You try and live
And God says no

We go on our way
Just waiting for that lucky day
I tried every way
Just so that God can blow me away

I need some love
To start the show
But ask just once
And God says no

A line of dust slides through my head
Scary thoughts like wishing we were dead
You won't get caught if you don't get queer
And you'll be ready for a new frontier

It's good to be bad
It's the best time you'll ever have
What the hell is this ultra sad
Pray for your cool and work on that ass

You learn too much
You'll never know
Just start to laugh
And God says no

A point of life flies through my head
A scary thought like I was someone else
And don't get lost now and show no fear
And you'll be ready for a new frontier

A line of dust slides through my head
And scary thoughts like wishing we were dead
You won't get caught if you don't get queer
And you'll be ready for a new frontier
For a new frontier

hatebot @ 2009-07-02T19:45:00

2009-07-03T01:48:43Z

Do you know what I like? Scratch that, because I am brimming with emotion on this, do you know what I absolutely love more than life itself?

WHEN MY ASSHOLE MAILMAN COMPLETELY IGNORES THE LETTER IN MY BOX THAT IS CLEARLY AN OUTGOING LETTER, WHICH SO HAPPENS TO BE MY RENT.

Second time, too. Last time the shit stayed in their for two days.

We have locked mailboxes. Frickin' dingleberry. Let's hope he can read the note that says in all caps "THIS IS OUTGOING".

On the plus side, I found a decent bike pump just sitting by a phone booth while I was at the gas station today. Not one, but TWO. Nary a bike or biker in site.
Score.

Just Stop It

2009-06-30T04:17:01Z

It's really, really hard when you send me seductive pictures and ask me to come over to fuck.

Even if your intentions aren't to fuck with my head, that most assuredly will fuck with my head.

I can't handle you right now. Someday, sure, but right now? Certainly not.

It's selfish, really. To expect me to give when you're unwilling to supply what I need from you.

Here's to breaking the cycle.

hatebot @ 2009-06-24T22:53:00

2009-06-25T04:54:15Z

What in the fuck is with the women in my life ditching me at the last minute because something better came up?

hatebot @ 2009-06-24T11:45:00

2009-06-24T17:45:49Z

hatebot @ 2009-06-24T10:39:00

2009-06-24T16:41:38Z

There's a whole series of these. Just Sylar, walking his dog. With a butcher and a giant steak.

A celebrity doing an interesting and abstract commentary on paparazzi? No one was hit?
It's got my vote.

hatebot @ 2009-06-23T13:37:00

2009-06-23T19:43:31Z

For all my bitching, I guess this is all a good thing.
I was just whining about how I wanted to change certain things, and how many years have I been saying I need to be more active?

Let's just say the fire has been lit under my ass and the Universe gave a big ol' "Yo man, 'sup? Yeah, werd, hey dawg, you best be gettin' in shape. Get a bike."

So yeah.
I come home from work, work out, eat something, and read.

I wake up, ride around the neighborhood, shower, go to work.

My neighborhood really does have a lot to offer that I've just taken for granted the last few months. Bistros, a book store, tea house/bike repair shop...bars.

Of course there's some sort of odd peace-accord with the yuppies and neo-hippies that live there.
Why hello there, woman with dredlocks, you're looking mighty fine today.

That doesn't mean I'm not going to bitch about the exorbitant amount of money this is going to cost me. $92/mo, plus $20-$25 a week. Yeah, fuck you guys. I only make $10.75

Neo-Prohibitionist Assholes

2009-06-23T15:57:27Z

Classes once a week for 8 months at $20 a pop.
Random urinalysis twice a month.

Pissed.