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    Wednesday, December 11th, 2013
    10:32 pm
    I feel as an artist without an art. I have ten thousand things to say and write and feel. And no outlet. Nothing I say has originality. Angst? Been there, felt that. Feel that. This has happened before, it will happen again. Acting? Yes, I was decent at it. Won an award, once. But. That was almost two decades ago. I don't feel that I can relate to the world any more. This feels the only safe way I can say what I feel/think. I'm just tossing this out here. I feel incredible amounts of guilt for what I've done. 2+ years going strong. I really am a horrible person. My friends took the side of the person who had done me the most wrong. Over and over and over again I backed them up, I stood up and said "that person fucked you over! They suck! I will not have anything to do with them!" Yet. Yet they did the exact opposite.
    That's how the world works.
    I'm immature and I suck.
    Wednesday, September 25th, 2013
    1:15 pm
    This is a blog that no one reads any more, I hope. That's not true, is it? The whole point of writing is to be heard (ha! I meant read, silly me). I think I have been experiencing a nervous breakdown. I thought those things came all at once, like a gunshot, or a finale in a fireworks display. That seems more like a truer analogy. *bang* silence *bang* oohs *bang bang bang bang* aaaah! Yes, that fits for the moment. It hurts, to say things I think. Right now I'm thinking that I like to ascribe imaginary emotions/thoughts/diagnoses to make myself more interesting. Right now, I am wondrously intoxicated. Why not? I'm more courageous in this state. I am losing my shit, and I have been for a long time. What helps me sleep? Alcohol. And thoughts of vengeance. I drift off in imaginary, infantile fantasies of finally having the power to do unto others what I imagine had been done to me. I am...I am I am I am, fuck's sake, this is such internalized bullshit, when really it all comes down to is "I am". I am. That's really it, isn't it? I am me. That's the problem. I want to be someone else, and any self-help feel-good bullshit won't change that. I am me. I am fucked.
    Saturday, December 29th, 2012
    10:19 pm
    Tit. For tat.
    Please, yes, let's lecture on maturity.

    Let's lecture on that, old friend, while you have begged and scraped to save your car not once, but twice
    in, I believe, a year and a half.

    Once from negligence, another from poor budgeting.

    I do enjoy it when you can dish out advice and chastise another for not taking yours.
    Chastise?
    I meant, look down on with scorn.

    By all means.
    The party is all yours.
    Sunday, April 29th, 2012
    12:12 pm
    Two days later and it appears the side effects are abating, although gradually.
    I took my dosage before bed last night.
    I woke, felt like garbage, swore never to take it again.
    After about 40 minutes of moving about and getting my day started, I noticed
    a marked improvement in how I felt not just physically, but emotionally as well.
    It's too early to get my hopes up, but I believe I will continue for another week.
    Friday, April 27th, 2012
    5:33 pm
    Side effects from one week of 40mg:
    Twitchy extremities
    Interrupted sleep
    Difficulty focusing my sight
    Persistent sour taste
    Difficulty achieving an orgasm

    Depression continues as normal. I am doubting that this medication is meant for me. However, I was advised by my doctor that most, if not all, of the side effects will abate with time. I find it to be irritating that I'm experiencing all of these negative effects with no positive outcome. I plan to continue for another week, and then schedule a follow up with my doctor.
    Friday, April 20th, 2012
    7:47 pm
    Doubled my dosage after only two weeks. Things were getting worse, not better. Particularly the mornings. This is exactly why I've never pursued this course (that and not having proper insurance). I don't want to constantly switch things out, though that's the way it has to be. There isn't a magic pill that stops making me feel this way. I'm wondering how much of my personality is going to change.
    Thursday, April 12th, 2012
    7:46 am
    Drug Journal
    Day 7 of being on fluoxetine (Prozac). So far the noticeable side effect has been a slight drowsiness. No abating of symptoms. My doctor said it will take a while to build up in my system. Three more weeks to see.
    Monday, February 27th, 2012
    11:11 am
    Don't. Trust. Anyone.
    Friday, December 30th, 2011
    12:51 am
    Things change in a year.
    You hear that, and expect the worst.
    Or the best.
    Depends on your outlook, really.

    Take a song lyric, for example:
    "I can make any woman kill herself...In a year"
    All of a sudden, it changes, switches.
    "I can hide anything...In a year"

    It's the same, though.
    You've just switched the words to suite your needs.
    Your outlook, really.

    A new reality at your fingertips.
    Hide. Switch. Change.

    Was it always like that?
    Monday, February 22nd, 2010
    1:33 pm
    Have I mentioned how I hate environmentalist conversations? Almost always, the other party evinces a moral superiority over the other person because they don't "care" enough. Or they don't do as much as the other person to stem the tide of global warming.

    I found myself in just that type of conversation last night. Just like 85% of people that saw An Inconvenient Truth, I walked out of the theater saying to myself "Jeeze, that really does suck." and proceeded about my daily routine changing absolutely nothing. The only difference between me and arm-chair environmentalists is that I don't actively care. There's no difference between my daily activities and someone who does care, really. Granted, I don't recycle, but that's more or less a con-job anyways(Thanks, Pen and Teller!).

    Sure, I could write my congressman or some major company CEOs about the damage being done to the environment, but that would require paper. That came from a rain forest lumber operation, perhaps. And then would be disposed of with the thousand and one other letters of a similar tone and purpose. Finding the flaws in that, I could always type the letters up in email, and send them using electricity that comes from coal burning power plants. Well, maybe I could just call them on my cell phone. Which is made out of plastics, which in turn are made from fossil fuels and that utilizes a lithium battery, which was mined. Well crap, I guess that leaves picketing and flyering. Which also uses paper...See where I'm going with this?

    The planet will survive. It's survived billions of years without us, it'll survive a couple more billion after we're gone. It's an ecosystem designed to adapt and we'll be so much dust before any major, irrevocable changes occur.

    Just because I don't take an active role about the horrors of over fishing regions and oil spills does not mean I don't have different soap boxes for any number of global or social ills.
    Ask me about Scientology some day, or my views on child pageants or consumer rights. Like anyone else I'll give you a half-informed diatribe rallying against this or that. Don't accuse me of not caring just because our opinions differ on some things.
    Sunday, November 29th, 2009
    7:27 pm
    This journal has become wank. Total and absolute wank. ihvpave, I wouldn't mock you for your opinions or insight. I suppose it's a failing on my part that my friends think I would do that. I'm sorry.

    So. On with the wank.

    I've spent the past year with control games that played exclusively on my abandonment issues. Have I then spent months on end in a bitter, self-destructive cycle of dependency? Yes. I have. Self-Awareness is a curse if one cannot learn from it. Here's to breaking from that.

    There's a fantastically gorgeous trans-gendered person I'm very attracted to and very much interested in. Due to poor timing things did not work out a few months back as I would have liked them to have worked out now.
    Now that I am available I find myself in similar immature games that I absolutely refuse to participate in.
    A bit early for a resolution, but let's give it a shot, shall we?

    No more shall I look to attractive people for validation.
    No more shall I be someones option while they are my priority.
    I will learn to be comfortable with myself.
    I will try to keep an open mind and try to meet new people without the prompting of others.
    Saturday, October 17th, 2009
    7:46 pm
    So I guess I need to go to school.
    I don't want to, and I'll be damned if I know what I want to go for, but apparently that's how ambition and success is measured.
    And those are the important things, right?
    Of course they are.

    I can't just be me, I can't just exist. I need to strive towards something that makes me "better" (whatever the hell that means), and thus more attractive or desirable.

    I don't have a special talent or skill. I can't say "Hey, I'm awesome at wood working" and make a living at that.

    I don't want to feel worthless based on other peoples ideas of success, but here I am, doing just that.

    FUCK.

    I hate the implications. I hate that people keep telling me I should do things that they use as an example for self improvement and therefore a better person. What's wrong with me just being myself? Why can't any of you just say "Hey Jack, you're all right. You're ok the way you are."? Why do I need to improve myself for any of you?

    Why do I care...
    Tuesday, September 8th, 2009
    11:10 pm
    So someone stole my car last night/this morning.

    Cops found it a few hours later.

    Of course they grounded out the electrical system.
    Of course I had to get the thing towed to a shop at $85/$3.50 per mile rates.
    Of course this coincides with the weekend I decide to buy a couch.
    Thursday, September 3rd, 2009
    1:12 pm
    Haven't posted in a while, needless to say juggling a boyfriend and a girlfriend is kinda hard...

    With that being said, I'm pissed.

    Recently found out I have bed bugs. Or had. I took care of it best I could and so far haven't had another outbreak. This could all change.

    My girlfriends roommate found out HE had bed bugs(hello, Patient Zero). A month ago. His solution? Start sleeping on the couch in the living room and lock up his room. With all of his clothes still in there. Now, I don't know how familiar you folks are about bed bugs, but that shit don't work. They hibernate.

    So, meanwhile, I bug bomb the shit out of my place, do a massive cleaning involving washing all of my clothes and vacuuming the shit out of my place. Problem solved on my end.

    Now, as far as the girlfriends roommate was concerned, he just washed some bare necessities and sprayed rubbing alcohol on everything. Threw his mattress out. Tell you what, son, this has obviously not addressed the main issue, to wit, you being a lazy ass.

    She just found a bed bug in her purse. Over at her place.

    I'm frickin' pissed. Dudes like, 26, maybe 27...You have a problem that everyone around you is saying is super serious and your solution is a barely functional quarentine and rubbing alcohol...

    The chances of my infestation has just increased and I am not pleased.
    Monday, August 3rd, 2009
    6:15 pm
    You tell me I can't slow down
    you tell where I gotta be
    I spin into the darkness
    but I swear that I can't see a thing in front of me
    You know its true
    I'm not driving anymore,
    I can't keep up with you.

    You're closing in behind me
    Well I've got headlight in my eyes,
    Don't you get too close to me
    Can't you see that we'll collide,
    and end up casualties
    there's just no room
    I'm not driving anymore,
    I can't keep with you

    So leave me on my own,
    Run me down and race away from me
    I've got nowhere to go to,
    And I don't think I can get back on my feet,
    back on my feet


    You came right out of nowhere
    Eyes wide and terrified,
    and I can't put my brakes on,
    And I can't swerve to save your life
    cause then I'll lose control,
    and I can't choose
    I'm not driving anymore
    I can't keep up with you

    So leave me on my own
    Run me down and race away from me
    I've got no where to go to
    I don't think I can get back on my feet,
    back on my feet.

    Get me out of harm's way,
    Can't you see I'm paralyzed,
    I wanna fade out gracefuly,
    but you keep keeping me alive
    to face another day,
    can't you see I'm through
    I'm not driving anymore,
    I can't keep up with you.
    Can't keep up with you

    Tell me how long have I got, God
    I wanna end this earthly toil
    Till this pilot-light expires
    I wanna go swimming in the soil
    and not come up for breath
    sit in God's room
    I'm not driving anymore,
    I can't keep up with you.

    I'm unfit for consumption
    I don't know how to play my part,
    I swear I'm all alone in this thing,
    I'm a blind man driving in my car,
    into oblivion
    let it come soon.
    I'm not driving anymore,
    I can't keep up with you.
    Monday, July 27th, 2009
    6:42 pm
    Filled out my in processing paperwork for my alcohol classes.
    Which, reading through my course book, really isn't an educational thing at all.

    It's a heavy handed behavior-modification course.

    I'll sit there and listen. I'll give them their god-damned money. However, they best not be under the presumption that they'll alter my behavior or thought process with such a blunt and shallow tool. I will help myself if and when I choose, and if and when I decide I need to change.

    Of course such thinking like this is really my anti-authorative streak run rampant with the impression that this is some Orwellian thought control exercise.

    I recognize what they're doing and it galls me. Further note of irritation and offense was the mini bio they made me fill out. It's none of their fuckin' business what my sexual orientation is, nor who my sexual partners are at the time and how many there are. Granted, under normal circumstances I'd probably have no problem divulging that. The intrusive and private nature of those questions pissed me right the hell off.

    I couldn't resist having a little fun with it though. Such gems as "Describe Your Childhood" were filled out with my typical flair of smart-assery with answers like "I went to school mostly. Had summers off."

    I want out of this. Now.
    Friday, July 24th, 2009
    7:37 pm
    Uhm, what?
    I'm fairly opposed to the poppy nature of this tune, but god-DAMN, he looks good.
    Also, American Psycho.


    Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009
    9:10 pm
    In Which I Rant About MADD
    Long post is loooong, but some interesting tidbits.
    Too lazy for a cut.



    Candy Lightner's departure

    With the passage of time, MADD decided to eliminate all driving after drinking any amount of alcoholic beverage. Ms. Lightner disagreed with this focus and asserted that “police ought to be concentrating their resources on arresting drunk drivers—not those drivers who happen to have been drinking. I worry that the movement I helped create has lost direction.”

    Ms. Lightner left MADD in 1985 and disagrees with its change in goals. MADD's founder, Candy Lightner, left the organization in 1985 and has since gone on to criticize the group as "neo-prohibitionist." Lightner stated that MADD "has become far more neo-prohibitionist than I had ever wanted or envisioned … I didn’t start MADD to deal with alcohol. I started MADD to deal with the issue of drunk driving".

    Under-21 drinking

    Retired sociologist David J. Hanson questions the effectiveness and relevance of MADD's insistence that minors should not drink alcohol. Hanson argues such policies possibly encourage underage and reckless drinking, since current public policy produces a supervision paradox where it can be difficult to assist and educate younger people in making responsible judgments about alcohol consumption; he compares the behavior of American youth to their European counterparts, who live in a society with "more liberal" consumption laws. Also, he believes that it encourages some younger people to drink, to show their contempt for a law they feel is unjust, since in most other countries, 18-year olds, and even younger people, can consume alcohol legally, and that it would be safer to have them drinking legally in supervised environments.

    According to Hanson, "research on the drinking age has not been able to verify a cause-and-effect relationship between the law and alcohol use or abuse." Hanson further notes, "Many studies show no relationship between the two variables while others report that some alcohol-related fatalities have shifted from the 18-20 age group to the 21-24 age group. When it comes to the effects of the drinking age, the most we can say is that the jury is still out."

    Civil liberty aspects

    Radley Balko, a libertarian writer, talks about the possible social implications of some of MADD's policies. He writes, "In its eight-point plan to 'jump-start the stalled war on drunk driving,' MADD advocates the use of highly publicized but random roadblocks to find drivers who have been drinking. Even setting aside the civil liberties implications, these checkpoints do little to get dangerous drunks off the road. Rather, they instill fear in people who have a glass of wine with dinner, a beer at a ballgame or a toast at a retirement party."

    Efficacy of MADD's proposals

    Breath alcohol ignition interlock devices

    Additionally MADD has proposed that breath alcohol ignition interlock devices should be installed in all new cars. Tom Incantalupo wrote "Ultimately, the group said yesterday, it wants so-called alcohol interlock devices factory-installed in all new cars. "The main reason why people continue to drive drunk today is because they can," MADD president Glynn Birch said at a news teleconference yesterday from Washington, D.C."

    Sarah Longwell, a spokeswoman for the American Beverage Institute responded to MADD's desire to legislate breathalyzers into every vehicle in America by stating "This interlock campaign is not about eliminating drunk driving, it is about eliminating all moderate drinking prior to driving. The 40 million Americans who drink and drive responsibly should be outraged." She also points out that "Many states have laws that set the presumptive level of intoxication at .05% and you can't adjust your interlock depending on which state you're driving in. Moreover, once you factor in liability issues and sharing vehicles with underage drivers you have pushed the preset limit down to about .02%.

    It will be a de facto zero tolerance policy."

    Some point out that the policy assumes that citizens are guilty of drunkenness and requires them to prove themselves innocent not only before they drive but repeatedly while they drive. [3]

    A serious concern is that the devices might actually increase crashes. The "California Department of Motor Vehicle’s “An Evaluation of the Effectiveness of Ignition Interlock in California” concluded that the devices “are not effective in reducing DUI convictions or incidents [after being imposed] for first-time DUI offenders.” (The study did show, however, that the risk of crashing was higher for offenders with a lock installed—perhaps because they were being asked to conduct breath tests while driving.) If the locks have no effect when imposed after a first DUI conviction—which presumably selects for the most likely drunk drivers—what is the chance that they will have an effect if foisted upon millions of people who simply want a new car?"

    Victim impact panels

    MADD promotes the use of victim impact panels (VIPs), in which judges require DWI offenders to hear victims or relatives of victims of drunk driving crashes relate their stories. MADD received $3,749,000 in 2004 from VIP fees. Some states in the United States, such as Massachusetts, permit victims of all crimes, including drunk driving accidents, to give "victim impact statements" prior to sentencing so that judges and prosecutors can consider the impact on victims in deciding on an appropriate sentence to recommend or impose. The presentations are often emotional, detailed, and graphic, and focus on the tragic negative consequences of DWI and alcohol-related crashes. According to the John Howard Society, some studies have shown that permitting victims to make statements and to give testimony is psychologically beneficial to them and aids in their recovery and in their satisfaction with the criminal justice system.

    However, a New Mexico study suggested that the VIPs' confrontational approaches are ineffective in the treatment of alcohol problems, and that the use of VIPs actually increased DWI recidivism in that state.

    MADD's mission

    MADD has shifted in emphasis from preventing DUI deaths and injuries to preventing underage alcohol use, and that this is undermining the organization's original goal, because MADD's leadership has stated that it's more important to stop drinking than it is to stop drunk driving fatalities. For example, the president of MADD, Glynn Byrch, wrote in a letter to the editor of the Washington Post:

    Taking away a teenager's car keys and replacing them with a beer may prevent death and injury on the road, but it sends a dangerous message to teenagers that it's okay to break the law.

    In 2005, John McCardell, Jr. wrote in The New York Times that "the 21-year-old drinking age is bad social policy and terrible law" that has made the college drinking problem far worse.

    Many who are otherwise sympathetic to MADD's cause feel the organization has gone too far. Balko argued in a December 2002 article that MADD's policies are becoming overbearing. "In fairness, MADD deserves credit for raising awareness of the dangers of driving while intoxicated. It was almost certainly MADD's dogged efforts to spark public debate that effected the drop in fatalities since 1980, when Candy Lightner founded the group after her daughter was killed by a drunk driver," Balko wrote. "But MADD is at heart a bureaucracy, a big one. It boasts an annual budget of $45 million, $12 million of which pays for salaries, pensions and benefits. Bureaucracies don't change easily, even when the problems they were created to address change."

    Blood alcohol content

    MADD's critics point out that the organization is focused entirely upon the presence of alcohol in the body, rather than upon the actual danger posed by any impairment. The original drunk driving laws addressed the danger by making it a criminal offense to drive a vehicle while impaired — that is, while "under the influence of alcohol"; the amount of alcohol in the body was simply evidence of that impairment.

    With MADD's significant influence, however, all 50 states have now passed laws making it a criminal offense to drive with a designated level of alcohol, regardless of whether the driver is impaired or not. MADD then successfully lobbied to lower that original level of .10% down to .08%, and are actively working to lower it even further.

    Conflict of interest criticism

    Balko criticizes MADD for not demanding higher excise taxes on the distilled spirits industry, even as it demands beer producers pay higher excise taxes. "Interestingly," Balko writes, "MADD refrains from calling for an added tax on distilled spirits, an industry that the organization has partnered with on various drunk driving awareness projects. And MADD has made no secret of its desire to lower the legal blood- alcohol level from the current .08 in most places to .06, .04 or even to zero. This despite studies showing that most alcohol-caused traffic fatalities involved drivers with a level of 0.14 or higher."

    High fundraising costs - The MADD money machine

    In 1994, Money magazine reported that telemarketers raised over $38 million for MADD, keeping nearly half of it in fees. This relationship no longer exists. Overall, MADD reports that it spends 17% of its budget on fundraising, which is below average for an advocacy organization that is heavily dependent on many individual contributions. However, the American Institute of Philanthropy notes that MADD categorizes much of its fundraising expenses as "educational expenses." The American Institute of Philanthropy has given MADD poor grades for its high bureaucratic and fundraising costs (MADD Money. Investigative report, K5 News, Seattle, WA.).

    Charity Navigator rates MADD as needing improvement.

    In December 2006 in Canada, the Toronto Star reported that "Mothers Against Drunk Driving Canada has such high costs that only about 19 cents of every dollar goes to victim services and the fight against drunk driving", with the organization claiming their fundraising calls were also educating the public about drunk driving. As of December 13 2006, MADD Canada has suspended fundraising efforts pending an internal financial investigation

    MADD's opinion of opponents of sobriety checkpoints:

    MADD writes that “opponents of sobriety checkpoints tend to be those who drink and drive frequently and are concerned about being caught”. This is a rewording of the classicaly illogical "if you are not doing anything wrong you have noting to fear from our violating your rights" argument

    Checkpoints are unconstitutional.
    Monday, July 20th, 2009
    2:43 pm
    I realize only a select few of you will get this.

    Sunday, July 19th, 2009
    5:38 pm
    Work Rant
    Ok everybody, listen up: Your banks "Bill Pay" option fucking sucks.
    It is not an automatic payment. In fact, it takes a few days for it to actually get out and to the places it needs to.

    Yes, I realize you sent a payment. However, sending a payment and us actually receiving said payment are two seperate entities. No, I'm not calling you a liar. What I'm calling you is fucking retarded. Two different animals there. Do you honestly believe that the US Postal Services is the most trusted organization in the world? 'cause it's not. At least with La Cosa Nostra you can depend on your knees being broken.

    Parents: Stop fucking around on the phone. If I call your house looking for your son/daughter, do not refuse to put them on the phone because I won't tell you what company I'm calling from. It's not helping them. In fact, it's probably going to cost them a 30 day late notice against their credit and a $25 late fee. Because some asshole had to get in their business. By the way, the "If you can't tell me who you're with then stop calling my home" schtick doesn't work. Ever. It's a gaurentee that we'll call back in ten minutes. And no, trying to collect on a debt is not harassment. I don't know what outdated copy of Readers Digest you picked up that little nugget from, but it simply is not true. Federal Debt Collections Policy Act. Read it, mother fuckers.

    Parents Addendum: Stop having your small child answer the phone and tell me that you aren't home. Between the ages of 5 - 20 your child will more than likely be a terrible liar.

    Mexicans: Are you ever home?

    All other account holders: You didn't make a payment. If I ask you to verify your address, it means just that. VERIFY. I did not say we don't have your address. VERIFY. Fuck. What about that word do you not understand? Seriously? You just gave me your routing number and your bank account info. What other damage could I possibly do with your address that I can't do with your routing number and bank account number? Prank you and order a ton of pizzas to your house? Tempting as that may be for some of you cunts, that would more than likely cost me my job. So fork it over and stop dicking around.

    A MINIMUM DUE is just that. The BARE MINIMUM to get you out of collections. Just paying the past due will not help you. Why, you say? Because you'll totally forget that you owe us a late fee and this billing cycles payment. Which will incur another late fee.

    The elderly: Fuck you.
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